


A Dead Person's Guide To Bribing Your Ferryman In The Afterlife

by Buio_Angelo



Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, English assignment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:40:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21859957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buio_Angelo/pseuds/Buio_Angelo
Summary: How am I supposed to be ferried across the Styx if Charon doesn't believe that I am dead?
Kudos: 8





	A Dead Person's Guide To Bribing Your Ferryman In The Afterlife

It was nine o’clock in the morning and this gigantic cave with cracked floor tiles, slate grey stone walls and a pitch black ceiling was bustling with people.

A short person with curly brown hair and a grin almost too large for his face sidled up next to me. He smelled like grease and onions and was holding up two flat cardboard boxes. “Welcome to the Greek Underworld, my friend!” Upon seeing my confusion, his enthusiasm seemed to wane a bit. “You _are_ one of the newly dead, aren’t you?”

 _Ah, yes. The car crash on the way to the company from the bank._ I winced. “Um. I was in an accident.”

The Midget’s eyes lit up again. “Then you _are_ dead! Say, if I am to borrow your money and not pay you back, you won’t mind terribly, would you?” He proceeded to dig into my shirt pocket before I could say anything. “It’s not like you would need it after. I’ll even be your guide! I’ve been here hundreds of times, I can probably go through this place blindfolded—aha!”

Slipping one dollar into his jeans pocket and pressing another into my palm, he explained. “First we’ve got to pay old Charon to ferry us across the Styx. Charon is, well, extremely old. He’s been here before Ancient Greece was a thing. And he normally turns a blind eye to not-dead people like me trying to sneak in as long as we pay for the ride. He would stop you, though, if you don’t seem confident that you are not dead or if he was bored. Last time I was with a guy who passed away in his sleep. He was pretty convinced that he wasn’t dead and had still a few years left in him.” The Midget made a face. “He wasn’t allowed across, of course. Faded out of existence a few years back.”

That was not, by a long shot, the best news I have had today. “So I have to convince him that I am convinced that I am dead.”

“That’s the gist.” He agreed. “He makes quite a few people believe they aren’t actually dead—Oi, watch it! That’s delicate cargo you bumped into there! – But I am quite proud to say that I have lied about this for many, many times and even managed not to break a sweat since 2016. Now can we hurry up a bit? Uncle Hades likes his pizza hot.”

Charon turned out to be a cloaked figure with an obscenely long beard that might have been white once. Midget handed him the coin stolen from me, announcing: “I died by accidentally slipping in the shower and cracking my head.”

“I smell pizza, and you are clothed.” Charon grunted.

“Ahh. That—uh, I do role-play? You know, uh, when two people love each other very much, they tend to—“

Charon muttered something that sounded like “youngsters” and turned to me expectantly. Or as expectantly as someone whose eyes are hidden could manage. “And you?”

I handed my coin over. “I died in a car crash, I think.”

Charon’s voice was edged when he spoke again. “ _You_ _think_? Are you asking me or are you telling me?”

“You sound awfully like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.” I muttered.

“What?”

I cleared my throat. “I’m _telling_ you that I died in a car crash.”

“Wounds to prove it?”

“Hey!” I pointed at Midget, indignant. “ _He_ didn’t have to prove anything.”

“It’s my boat you want to use and my rules you are going to play by. Wounds to prove, chop chop.”

I sighed. It’s beginning to seem like a long afterlife. “Let’s just say I am alive, what do I do to convince you to let me get on your boat?”

Charon scratched his beard thoughtfully. “I take bribes.”

I checked my briefcase. “You are in luck. I was just in the bank. Fifty thousand dollars enough?”

He shrugged his bony shoulders. “Eh. More than I make in a day. Hop in.”

Once Midget and I got to the other side of the river, he jumped out and announced, “Now I shall show you the wonders of the Underworld!”

His phone chimed in his pocket, and he fished it out, swiping at the screen and wincing. Then he looked up and saw my expression. “Are you alright?”

“Alright?” I muttered glumly. “I am not alright. I just died, had a conversation with a supposedly immortal being. And I lost fifty thousand Yuan in one day. Oh my god. That’s a lot.”

Midget shrugged one shoulder, grinning sheepishly. “Well, sorry to hear that. And I may have to cut our trip short. A pizza delivery guy’s going to do what a pizza delivery guy’s going to do.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “ _And he normally turns a blind eye to not-dead people like me_ , you said. I thought you are just really strange at first, but you are one of the immortals, aren’t you? That’s why he didn’t stop you, right?”

“Ah. I suppose I blew my cover when I revealed old man Charon’s age, didn’t I? Well, the judgment is that way, and I really take offense to you calling me Midget inside your head. Call me Hermes. Catch you later when Hades gets another bout of craving for pizza!”

And then Hermes was gone.

Well then.


End file.
